Troy McNaughtonSafety First - Emergency Measures by the Teaspoon
April 30th 2006 03:05
Safety around the home is a very important topic of conversation for every household. Secret Sydney encourages responsible emergency planning of all kinds, but today we will be addressing an emergency situation that you might never see coming. Implement defensive action plans in your home today!
EMERGENCY 72: FALLING ASLEEP AT THE COMPUTER WITH HOURS UNTIL A DEADLINE
First aid is the most important skill in most scenarios that require fast responses to get the situation under control. It requires leadership, fast reflexes, and a steady head.
In descending order of preference, administer immediately:
1. Adrenalin shot, Pulp Fiction style.
2. Double cappuccino with two sugars from your nearest and dearest walkable cafe.
3. 2 x cans of Red Bull - with or without sugar, it's a question of how stretchy your jeans are.
4. Plunger coffee - beg, borrow or steal - with 150% of the usual dosage and two sugars.
5. Instant coffee - hold your nose when you drink it if necessary - be careful about ODing on the preservatives in one cup - I recommend several cups with the usual dosage.
6. Non-diet caffeinated corporation beverage that will go unnamed this week.
7. See 6, but diet. Come on, you really need that sugar.
8. Chocolate - also good in combination with any of the above - also pulls you out of that deadline-proximate funk you're in. Love those love chemicals. They always love you back - sometimes they give you a permanent hug around your waist. Noice.
9. Now you're getting desperate. Raid your cupboard for sugary biscuits.
10. Time to check out the baking resources. I recommend brown sugar - the clumps almost give it the constitution of real food.
11. Icing sugar - best sprinkled generously on some sort of cut up fruit. Hire the kid next door to cut it up for you.
12. Raw or white sugar - WARNING: ONLY IF YOU CAN FIND CINNAMON, BREAD, BUTTER AND A WARMING DEVICE FOR TOASTING.
13. Honey - on anything - preferably with peanut butter.
14. Get off your ass and find the nearest vendor of anything and work down the list again. You have to weigh it up: 10-30 minutes errand time versus 10-infinite minutes sleeping time.
Respect your limitations people! Keep your household stocked with the appropriate emergency supplies and avoid accidents. Prevention is the best cure!
For now, if you're content just to procrastinate in a half asleep fashion....
Here is a little test I like to call:
IS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR AS MESSED UP AS I THINK IT IS?
It consists of one question and one question only, but your answer to that question will determine your normality or otherwise; your sanity or otherwise; your acceptability as a human being.... or OTHERWISE.
QUESTION 1: Which is funnier?
a) Swallowing potentially lethal electrified glass rods full of mercury gas as part of the Sydney Comedy Festival - ha ha ha.
or
b) The #1 screensaver in the USA currently (ignoring your prejudices against all things American for a minute): everybody's favourite president doing the splits, having his body disconnect, bouncing and crunching and smacking into (otherwise innocuous looking) balls - all at the mercy of your mouse - ha ha ha.
When you've checked out both those links...
Scroll down....
No peeking...
No cheating...
Trust me, if you got this wrong, cheating won't make you any more acceptable as a human being...
ANSWER:
If you answered a): you are as big a freak as Piercey McGlow-Worm there.
If you answered b): this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
EMERGENCY 72: FALLING ASLEEP AT THE COMPUTER WITH HOURS UNTIL A DEADLINE
First aid is the most important skill in most scenarios that require fast responses to get the situation under control. It requires leadership, fast reflexes, and a steady head.
In descending order of preference, administer immediately:
Wiki-pic
2. Double cappuccino with two sugars from your nearest and dearest walkable cafe.
3. 2 x cans of Red Bull - with or without sugar, it's a question of how stretchy your jeans are.
4. Plunger coffee - beg, borrow or steal - with 150% of the usual dosage and two sugars.
5. Instant coffee - hold your nose when you drink it if necessary - be careful about ODing on the preservatives in one cup - I recommend several cups with the usual dosage.
6. Non-diet caffeinated corporation beverage that will go unnamed this week.
7. See 6, but diet. Come on, you really need that sugar.
8. Chocolate - also good in combination with any of the above - also pulls you out of that deadline-proximate funk you're in. Love those love chemicals. They always love you back - sometimes they give you a permanent hug around your waist. Noice.
10. Time to check out the baking resources. I recommend brown sugar - the clumps almost give it the constitution of real food.
11. Icing sugar - best sprinkled generously on some sort of cut up fruit. Hire the kid next door to cut it up for you.
12. Raw or white sugar - WARNING: ONLY IF YOU CAN FIND CINNAMON, BREAD, BUTTER AND A WARMING DEVICE FOR TOASTING.
13. Honey - on anything - preferably with peanut butter.
14. Get off your ass and find the nearest vendor of anything and work down the list again. You have to weigh it up: 10-30 minutes errand time versus 10-infinite minutes sleeping time.
Respect your limitations people! Keep your household stocked with the appropriate emergency supplies and avoid accidents. Prevention is the best cure!
For now, if you're content just to procrastinate in a half asleep fashion....
Here is a little test I like to call:
IS YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR AS MESSED UP AS I THINK IT IS?
It consists of one question and one question only, but your answer to that question will determine your normality or otherwise; your sanity or otherwise; your acceptability as a human being.... or OTHERWISE.
QUESTION 1: Which is funnier?
a) Swallowing potentially lethal electrified glass rods full of mercury gas as part of the Sydney Comedy Festival - ha ha ha.
or
b) The #1 screensaver in the USA currently (ignoring your prejudices against all things American for a minute): everybody's favourite president doing the splits, having his body disconnect, bouncing and crunching and smacking into (otherwise innocuous looking) balls - all at the mercy of your mouse - ha ha ha.
When you've checked out both those links...
Scroll down....
No peeking...
No cheating...
Trust me, if you got this wrong, cheating won't make you any more acceptable as a human being...
ANSWER:
If you answered a): you are as big a freak as Piercey McGlow-Worm there.
If you answered b): this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
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Comment by edward
Rocky's Running Diary
Now that we've got that out of the way, I like tip number 10, brown sugar rocks! So sweet and caramally, mmmm.
And the screensaver is much funnier; there's nothing funny about that guy who may or may not have four nipples (I know they're piercings, but still) deep throating glass and mercury. Although it is impressive and kinda cool. But what's not to love about knocking G.W.B. around! (The answer I'm looking for is nothing). If it's number one in America maybe there's hope for them yet...
Comment by amy
I think it's fair to say we all scratch the ass of the world sometimes!!
Also, you're right re: George Dubbya, it IS strangely encouraging.
So is that new film, American Dreams. (Oh, sorry, "Dreamz, with a Zee") It is seriously DARK. Hard to see how they got funding without being hit with treason or something...
Btw congratulations and welcome to the human human race!
(not a typo, just qualifying that some humans are sub-human)
Comment by Stanley
nice distraction though to break the boredom i am feeling studying in the library at uni. although, i sensed a few people glancing at the clip in awe behind me.
but in terms of dubya. he deserves his comeuppance whether it is in reality, or through the cyber-sphere!
Comment by amy
Comment by Stanley
Comment by Sisi
Comment by amy
If I manage to find the cord that links my phone to the computer I'll be sure to post the horrendous pic on Style Space.
Any theories on the long term effects of Red Bull abuse? I'm a little frightened of anything that's banned in France...
Comment by Sisi
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Amy, you neglected the one thing that all those med students do: methamphetamines. I'm not recommending it, but it is out there!
Comment by amy
Although I'm all for obesity and diabetes, I'm not sure I can in all good faith recommend methamphetamines in a 'safety first' post!!!
You're a real subversive element these days aren't you?
Medical strength Red Bull? I'm starting a drug-running operation - orders anyone?
Comment by Lia
Oh, but yes, I'll take whatever potentially lethal "medical" stuff you smuggle across the border.
Oh and I'm human! Really truly human. I also have a sympathetic gag reflex.
Comment by amy
What a way to start the day!
Minty things eh? They'd want to be strong - I can see where you're going with the spice angle. I'm a sugar subscriber personally =)
Comment by Lia
But ew re: toothbrush. If I ever feel the need to stick phallic objects down my throat.. hmm.. but I brush my teeth with my toothbrush!
It's more an issue of seeing other people do painful things and having an overactive imagination as to what it would feel like.
Returning to sugar.. I suscribe to the teaspoon of sugar principle. With or without medicine!
Comment by amy
Thanks Ms Poppins!!
(ps. That's why I stopped watching slasher films - too much sympathy for pain... gods help me if I ever- no, it doesn't bear thinking about.)
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Ah, Mary Poppins...
I also used to slam Jolt sodas. Do you have those in Australia? It's a caffeine-enriched cola, sometimes with added Guarana. I loved that rush...
Comment by amy
Secrey Sydney... now the site for all your hard core drug needs...
Don't think we have Jolt here, but the name is enough for me.
*nearly falls off chair*
Oops. Who did that?
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Comment by Lia
But we're all hedonists here right? Because we're all in this conversation? I'm not the only one!
No Cibby. Mint and chilli to be taken orally. Although... there are actually a few interesting sensations to given or received if you're very brave.. mm, hot and cold.
Is Jolt that caffeine shot in a can? Because it's very cost effective. It's like the brilliant idea of taking caffeine tablets with your cup of coffee in the morning.
Amy, you're our resident expert- will you review some of those weird products they keep pushing on students to keep us awake all night? The ones with pictures of owls?
Comment by amy
Sorry Lia. Sacrifices will be made in the name of bloggery but I'm not interested in having a heart attack at such a tender age! (or growing an eleventh finger for that matter)
Comment by Lia